Nervousness, trepidation, betrayal, discomfort

Nervousness
Trepidation
When will it end?

The look of betrayal

Will she speak to me?  I read so that she will feel rude if she interrupts.

Her daughter comes in and greets me.  I say hello back, albeit shyly.

She spoke!  Why does she insist on speaking to me?  Does she not realize what she has done?  How can she not?

Does she comfort herself with the thought that she may have done the right thing?  I don’t see how she could possibly see it that way. 

How can one do something so wrong, so treacherous and yet act as though nothing as gone on?

How can one rip out another’s guts, tear them apart, rip them to shreds even, and then act as though all is normal?  I cannot act as though my guts are not there on the ground between us.  I cannot pretend the blood is not dripping still from the wound that has been inflicted.  I try to cover it over with bandages such as, Hashem will work all things for the good of those who Trust Him and There is a reason this has been allowed to go on.  The bandages never hold, though, and any healing that has taken place is from the inside out and each time she tries to speak as though nothing has gone on the wound opens a little more, the healing takes a little longer…

They are rehearsing.  A small circle, no way to avoid her.  I cannot even look at her without feeling pity.

Interesting that when I look at her I feel pity, but when I think about her and what she has done I feel resentment. 

Sad that she would treat someone so loyal like this.  I would have done anything for her, and had.

When her daughter was living with an abusive boyfriend, who did she call to come help her move?  Who did she call when her daughter may have had to face him in order to get her things?  Who did she call when her granddaughter was in the hospital and she could not go?  Me.  I dropped everything for her and her family.  I skipped classes, left work early to help them out.  Who did she call when her other daughter needed help moving out of her abusive husband’s house?  I gave her daughter furniture that I still used and needed.  I kept her grandsons when she couldn’t.  I cooked dinner and cleaned and helped unpack and organize this daughter.  Not for her, but because it was necessary.  I remember needing things and help and emotional support.  I remember getting what I needed.  I would do it all again if I had the chance.

 

How she could treat someone who treated her children so well in this way I will never know.  It feels like the deepest sense of betrayal.  It feels like I have been used and thrown away.  Then put into a compactor or shredder. 

He’s going to walk by.  Don’t make eye contact, maybe he won’t see you there.  Just keep reading, maybe he will see it as rude to interrupt.

Whew, narrow escape.

Oh man.  I'm going to have to speak to this one.

He speaks and I can barely hear, not for want of volume, but for lack of desire.  I would rather read fiction with spiritual roots than listen to one I no longer hold respect for. He speaks the truth from the WORD, but does not act it out when it would be hard.  He follows the easiest path rather than one that is from scripture or that Yeshua would have followed.

Yes, he obeys Torah, mostly, but when it comes to conflict, he follows what is easiest rather than fighting using the Word.

When will it end?  Hopefully soon.  I dislike this feeling.  Not knowing who can be trusted.  Not knowing what is being said and what people think of me.  Only knowing that, for whatever reason, these people who I thought knew me the best seem to have taken one persons word and now see the worst in me.  It is a hard thing to face.

Soon.  Soon.

Sounds in the morning

birds singing
wind blowing
cars driving by
a lawnmower
a saw
a leafblower
children playing
people talking
dogs barking
beauty to my ears

Loneliness v Isolation

I have discovered that Loneliness and Isolation are not the same thing, but that one can lead to the other.  As a single woman who lives on her own, I have found that when my son goes to visit family, it can become quite lonely here.  As an introvert, I will admit to enjoying time alone and dreading time spent in large groups.  Sometimes, however, this much time alone can be a negative thing.  I have books, and read constantly, in fact, I have read 7 today and it is only ten till 4 in the afternoon.  While books make an amazing escape from reality, it is only that, an escape.  Once finished reading, I find myself alone once again and realize that, as a whole, we were made for companionship, we were made to crave other people's presence.  Our society, however, has made it seem like a weakness to "need" anything from anyone.  Therefore, I will continue to sit alone because I don't want to seem pathetic by asking for time with anyone.  Again, thank goodness for books!

What an amazing world one can find in books.  I can go to Klickitat Street where children and dogs abound and the atmosphere is that of the 1950's.  I can go to the Middle Ages, where there is mystery and intrigue around every corner.  I can go to a world filled with dragons and gnomes and kender and dwarves and elves and magic.  A world where good dragons and bad dragons can rule the world at the behest of humans and other races.  Where the races all work together to keep the world at peace.  Or how about a world where toys come alive and look for a toymaker who can continue making toys come alive.  Or what about the world where one finds oneself inside the pages of a book.

Whenever I feel isolated or lonely, I can always open a book and find a world of characters who would love to spend time with me, and I don't even have to ask.

I will point out, though, that to pull away from people you love or things you would ordinarily do actually isolates you, as opposed to 'not being a burden'.

Books, books, books, a world one can always count on to be there...

Forgiveness and Trust

I find it interesting that people can be so loyal to one another, and yet, find it ok to betray, or think the worst of, the same people they claim to have loved and been loyal to.  I'm beginning to see why so many people in this world are jaded towards others.  I am also determined NOT to be that person.  People are imperfect.  Hashem made us and loves us in spite of our imperfections and tendencies to treat others wrongly.  We, as a general rule, sometimes forget that these people we are fond of, or have relationships with, are imperfect.  We make mistakes, bad decisions.  This does not mean there should be no consequences for bad behavior, simply that we should be forgiving of folks while remembering bad decisions or mistakes we may have made in the past.  Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean that trust should be restored immediately.  Forgiveness simply means we no longer hold anger or blame towards whomever did wrong.

Trust should be earned, it is not a right.  It is easier to gain trust the first time, once one has broken another's trust, it takes a whole lot more to earn that trust back.  As it should be.  There are those who may not deserve our trust, this does not mean that they ought not to be treated and spoken to with civility.  It simply means that they are not to be trusted with the most intimate details of our lives, or any, depending on how the trust is broken.

Obviously I am struggling to define forgiveness and trust right now.  I have had the unfortunate experience of being betrayed by someone I considered to be family by choice recently.  I suppose that also means that I am struggling to extend forgiveness as well.  Trust will probably never be extended to this person again, but I know that forgiveness is a must, otherwise I am the one who will suffer continually with the pain of this.  I see unforgiveness as a cancer of the soul.  It will eat away at you until all you think of is the one who wronged you and that is simply unacceptable, as that allows that one to control you.

What say you?

Jen's Worldview

A small introduction to me, Jen.  I have named this blog Jenerally Speaking and The Truth According to Jen because I recognize that everyone has a different view of the world around them and that perspectives can change.  I am in my 30's, I have an 11 year old son who is the light of my life, I have an amazing fiance who is extremely patient and loving, and a best friend who helps me to see reality even when I may not want to.


Politically I am relatively conservative, with a few libertarian leanings.  I did not vote for Barack Obama, I did vote for George W. Bush.  There are things about both of these presidents that I do not care for among their policies and presidencies.  I believe in small government and the free market.  I do not believe that abortion is right no matter the situation, I do believe that since Hashem (God) gave us free will, we ought to give each other free will as well.  This shows my support of small government, or as little as possible.  It is a necessity, government, however, a world where the government rules all and micromanages is not a world that I am ok with.


As far as religion goes, I don't know how I feel about organized religion.  I believe in Yeshua (Jesus) as the Messiah, I believe that I need to live my life as closely to the way Yeshua lived His when He was on this Earth. This means that I do eat Biblically kosher, I do celebrate the Lord's feasts and festivals, I do not celebrate Christmas or Easter, I do celebrate Yeshua's birth as well as His death and resurrection.  His birth I celebrate at Sukkot, or the Feast of Tabernacles, and His death and resurrection I celebrate and remember at Pesach, or Passover.  I believe the Bible is the whole, inerrant, inspired Word of Hashem.  I believe Yeshua was the Word become flesh to die for our sins and be resurrected as the firstfruits of what is to come.  I also believe that I am not here on Earth to judge anyone for not believing the same way I do and, in fact, find it shameful that an awful lot of "christians" use their beliefs to do exactly that.  I will never refer to myself as a christian, but as a Believer instead.   


My son's name is Matthew, which means, "Gift of God".  He is eleven.  He is athletic and loves to read.  He is in sixth grade and being homeschooled.  He is applying and auditioning to get into a magnet school for his seventh grade year.  He is incredibly talented (Yes, I am biased, I'm his mom!  What do you expect?) and extremely smart.  Sometimes a little TOO smart.  He loves his grandparents and likes to play outside more than he does inside, which makes me happy.  He also just happens to have been conceived during a rape.  Yep, you read right.  I was raped.  Got pregnant.  AND kept the baby.  AND he is the best thing that ever happened to me!


My fiance's name is Mark and he is amazing.  He is courting me.  This means no one on one dates or any physical touch until the wedding day.  Mark has shown me love when any other guys would have given up by now.  I know he loves me no matter what.  I love him no matter what also.  He seems to think he has to impress me, but he already has by treating my Matthew as though he belonged to him and by treating me like a queen even though I am not "putting out".  What a blessed woman I am to have him!


My best friend's name is not one I will be putting out there.  I will, however, say that she makes me a better person.  She pulls my back down to the ground (you know, reality) when I need it and builds me up when I need it.  She laughs when I laugh and cries when I cry.  I am sad when she is and happy when she is.  She tells me what I need to hear when I need to hear it, whether I want to hear it or not.  I am so thankful to have her in my life.  She saved my life once and no one will ever know and she is ok with that.  


This is me in a really short nutshell and should explain my worldview a little bit as I continue to blog about things that affect my life.